Monthly Archives: February 2013

Afraid to live

“Living the life of a chicken shit gets you nowhere. If you live to be 100 and some kid asks you to tell them tales of yesteryear you’ll have to tell the kid, “I was too afraid to do anything. I have no tales to tell. I didn’t live life to the fullest. I didn’t live each day as if it was my last. I just wanted to grow old and now I that I have, I have absolutely nothing to show for it. I never took any risks so therefore I have no tales to tell.”

The kid says, “Well old man. When you die your epitaph will read ‘Here lies a man who wanted to live a long life, but life did not live with him.’ By the way old man, the wind will scream your epitaph out loud so others don’t end up like you. A long life filled with emptiness. Well, I’m off to see the world. There may be a possibility that my life may be cut short, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take. Who knows, I may live long enough to have kids of my own that I can tell my tales to and they’ll tell their kids and so on. So you see old man, no matter if I die in my 30’s, 40’s or even my 50’s, I may have not lived a long life but my adventures will live forever.”

– Spoken by some dude on the internet.

Another white trash recipe

Spam & pasta with mushroom sauce

1 16 oz. box of pasta shells
1 can Spam, diced
1 can cream of mushroom soup

Cook pasta according to package directions. Drain and return to pot.
Add soup + 1 can water.  Mix until it’s saucy.  Now add the Spam. Eat.

White Trash Cooking

Two recipes. Yay.

Starburst Pie
Take a package of orange flavored Jello. Prepare jello according to directions. Blend in 8 oz. of sour cream. Pour into prepared graham cracker pie crust and chill until set. Decorate with sliced strawberries, kiwis, and bananas.

Pasta salad
8 ounces pasta (bowtie, spirals, orecchiette, wagon wheels, or cavatelli)
2 cups frozen mixed vegetables
Italian-style salad dressing to taste

Cook pasta according to package directions. While the pasta is cooking, put frozen vegetables in a colander. When the pasta is done, pour over vegetables in colander and rinse with cool water. Drain well. Put pasta and vegetables in a big bowl, toss in salad dressing to taste.

If you’re feeling fancy and extravagant, you can also throw in some olives and/or tuna.

How to make a quick “Grilled” Cheese Sandwich.

You’ll need:

2 slices of bread
2 slices of cheese
A toaster
A microwave

First toast the bread in the toaster. Take them out when done.
Then lay the toasts on a plate.
Take the cheese and lay each slice on top of the toasts.
Place the plate in the microwave and nuke on high for 15-20 seconds until the cheese is melted.
Put the two pieces together.
Eat.

Happy Fooking 2013

My anti-resolutions for the new year:

  1. skip doctor appointments
  2. avoid all health food stores
  3. pick up smoking again
  4. eat, drink and be merry without any regard to my waistline
  5. kill somebody at least once a month
  6. gossip more
  7. stab someone
  8. beat up my neighbor
  9. go on more shopping sprees and spend more money than I have
  10. make someone cry
  11. procrastinate more often
  12. care less about my fellow humans
  13. hide an old man’s cane
  14. be more greedy
  15. eat five large meals a day followed by 2 large desserts
  16. get a new wardrobe to fit my expanding fat ass
  17. torture dumb animals
  18. play hooky at least once a week
  19. eliminate all fruits and vegetables from my life
  20. beat up more people
  21. become a self-centered inconsiderate jerk
  22. less work and more play
  23. disrespect my elders
  24. knock a slowpoke down the stairs
  25. eat more candies
  26. drink more booze
  27. troll a random internet community
  28. leave my mind to decay
  29. stop offering my bus seat to the elderly.
  30. grope a female on a crowded bus or train
  31. prank call somebody
  32. do a Colin Ferguson
  33. goof off at work
  34. goof off at school
  35. steal babies from the hospital maternity ward and hawk them in the black market
  36. crack more offensive jokes
  37. stop giving a damn about the plight of human suffering
  38. audition for American Idol
  39. pretend I’m in a karaoke bar and sing as loud and off-key as I can in a library
  40. start a bar brawl

 

Want to make your own sakura scarf? Here’s how…

You’ll need:
1 skein brown yarn (any material of your choice)
scraps of pink & white yarn
H crochet hook
yarn needle

Gauge does not matter.

With the brown yarn, chain 10. Leave a long enough tail to do decrease stitches later. Then slip stitch in first chain to form foundation of tube, chain 2 and dc each stitch all around.

Continue until tube reaches 48-60 inches. Now decrease double crochet, dc 1. Repeat until 1 stitch remains and bind off.

With the other end of the tube, do decrease double crochet, dc 1 with the tail. Repeat until 1 stitch remains and bind off. You now have a tree branch!

Now make some twigs!
Chain 8, slip stitch in first chain, chain 2 and dc each stitch until desired length is reached anywhere from 4-8 inches. Decrease double crochet, dc 1. Repeat until 1 stitch remains and bind off. Leave the other end alone; you’ll be attaching that end to the main branch.

Make 2 more twigs, any length is up to you.

Sew on the twigs onto the main tube so it resembles a cherry tree branch.

The branch need flowers. Go to this site and follow the pattern instructions: http://nekosknitting.blogspot.com/2011/03/sakura.html
(Someone else came up with this flower pattern, not me.)
Make as many flowers as you like.

Sew the flowers on to the branch. Weave in ends.

Haleem

Haleem is a porridge type dish originating from South Asia and Middle East. It is traditionally made with meat, wheat, lentils, and spices and slowed cooked for several hours.

Here is my vegetarian version I developed the other day.

Pumpkin Haleem (Vegetarian)

2 pounds pumpkin, peeled and cubed
1 large onion, peeled and sliced
1 cup dried wheat
1/2 cup yellow split peas
1/2 cup lentils
3 tablespoons garlic & ginger paste
1-2 tablespoon(s) garam masala
1-2 teaspoon(s) chilli powder
2 teaspoons coriander powder
1 heaping teaspoon turmeric
1 heaping teaspoon cumin powder
1 heaping teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1 heaping teaspoon salt
1 heaping teaspoon cloves powder
2 tablespoons olive oil or any other oil of your choice
2 quarts water

1. Soak the wheat, peas and lentils in cold water overnight and drain.

2. Heat olive oil in a large pot and cook onions until soft. (About 5 minutes)

3. Add the garlic & ginger paste and the spices.

4. Add pumpkin, wheat, peas, lentils, and water. Bring to boil, then simmer on low flame, stirring occasionally for about 2-3 hours.

5. Mash the haleem to a near smooth consistency with a potato masher.

6. Serve with any toppings or condiments of your choice: sliced green jalapeño, chopped fresh cilantro, ginger matchsticks, fried onions, mango chutney, lime chutney, raita.

Le Petit Prince

A baby hat inspired by the Little Prince book.

1) Cast on 2 stitches
2) Knit 1 row
3) Increase 1 stitch at each end. You should have 4 stitches on the needle.
4) Purl 1 row
5) Knit 1 row
6) Purl 1 row

7) Increase 1 stitch, knit all stitches in between, increase 1 stitch on last one.
8) Purl 1 row
9) Knit 1 row
10) Purl 1 row

11) Repeat Steps 7 and 10 until 48 stitches are on the needle. The piece should measure 11” long and 12” wide at top. You should end up with a nice triangle.

12) Knit & purl in alternate rows for another 15-20 rows (or more if you want a longer length)

13) Knit 1, purl 1 for the next 15-20 rows.

14) Bind off loosely.

15) Sew the long edges together to form hat. Leave the ends on for sewing on the star later.

16) Crochet the star:
a- Make a magic crochet ring.

b- 10 sc in the ring

c- 2 sc in each stitch

d- *sc 3 stitches, 2 sc in next stitch* repeat to end of circle. You should end with 25 stitches in the round.

e- sc 5 ST, ch 1, turn

f- sc all ST, ch 1, turn

g- sc2tog, sc 1, sc2tog, ch 1, turn

h- sc all ST, ch 1, turn

i- sc2tog, sc 1, ch 1, turn

j- sc 2 ST, ch 1, turn

k- sc2tog

l- slip stitch down one side of the star arm

m- repeat steps e through l to make the other four arms

17) Make another star. (My first star tend to curl up, so I made another one to stablize the arms.)

18) Sew the stars together to make a stable unit and attach to the pointy part of hat. Weave in ends.  Done.