My anti-resolutions for the new year:
- skip doctor appointments
- avoid all health food stores
- pick up smoking again
- eat, drink and be merry without any regard to my waistline
- kill somebody at least once a month
- gossip more
- stab someone
- beat up my neighbor
- go on more shopping sprees and spend more money than I have
- make someone cry
- procrastinate more often
- care less about my fellow humans
- hide an old man’s cane
- be more greedy
- eat five large meals a day followed by 2 large desserts
- get a new wardrobe to fit my expanding fat ass
- torture dumb animals
- play hooky at least once a week
- eliminate all fruits and vegetables from my life
- beat up more people
- become a self-centered inconsiderate jerk
- less work and more play
- disrespect my elders
- knock a slowpoke down the stairs
- eat more candies
- drink more booze
- troll a random internet community
- leave my mind to decay
- stop offering my bus seat to the elderly.
- grope a female on a crowded bus or train
- prank call somebody
- do a Colin Ferguson
- goof off at work
- goof off at school
- steal babies from the hospital maternity ward and hawk them in the black market
- crack more offensive jokes
- stop giving a damn about the plight of human suffering
- audition for American Idol
- pretend I’m in a karaoke bar and sing as loud and off-key as I can in a library
- start a bar brawl